


but i hate your guts (i hate you)

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Blood, M/M, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 04:12:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11432901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: where aaron confronts robert before ross gets the chance to carry out the shooting.





	but i hate your guts (i hate you)

**Author's Note:**

> i mean i tend to think about this exact thing happening a lot and cry over what we missed out on (a really angsty conversation!!)

 

_'What does that make me? Someone who can't stop loving someone like that?'_

Aaron's got his hands on the weapon, he used to use it to twist tyres off but now, now it's not for that. It's cold to touch, makes Aaron's heart tighten as he runs his eyes over its red colour and feels himself become almost numb. 

He's drawing into himself, feels like there's no way out from how he feels. It's the only way to make it stop, to make the tears stop falling and his heart stop feeling like it's about to burst whenever _he_ walks into the room. 

He's a monster, Aaron knows that, he relishes in the fact that he _finally_ knows that.

But he's a monster who he loves isn't he? There's _no_ denying that.

Maybe this will shut him up, maybe this will drill home the message that he won't be messed with anymore, maybe he'll finally understand how it feels.

Aaron brushes back his tears and blows out a shallow breath, needs to clear his throat and then steps back from the garage, still holding the crow bar tightly.

He's convinced himself he's doing the right thing, the greatest good for the greatest number apparently, that's what this is. It's not about further punishing _himself_ , it's not about wanting to hurt and mourn Robert because at least then he'd feel something other than this black misery. It's not some sort of self harming, no, it's a coping mechanism.

Aaron looks up at the sky, a black blanket is pulled across it and he's staring at the moon up there. It settles him for just a second and then he's feeling a breeze pick up, almost pushing him towards Victoria's cottage where Robert will probably be nursing his ego and his bruised face.

It makes Aaron almost want to smirk, almost want to add to the collection on Robert's smug smarmy face. It's what he's thinking as he keeps walking and then suddenly he's stopping. He's stopping _dead_ because Robert's just standing there, he's looking right at the pub, right up towards Aaron's window and the younger man has to catch his breathe.

Robert's looking ahead, has his back towards Aaron. It's easy, it would be _so_ easy to just do it, just swing and hit and watch him crumble towards the ground.

That's how Aaron's thinking when he shakily pulls the crow bar out from his hoodie, there's tears in his eyes, fat ugly tears and he doesn't want them there because this shouldn't _hurt_. He's doing himself a favour, he's being selfish for _once_ in his fucking life and he is going to do right by his mum, by Andy, by _Katie_.

He doesn't think Robert's going to turn around, he isn't prepared for that, but then he's seeing green eyes hit him hard and he turns to absolute jelly on the spot because - this is _Robert_.

Robert's looking at Aaron, his eyes are wide and bright and then they dull almost instantly as he realises what Aaron's holding in his hand.

" _Jesus_." Robert shudders, feels like this isn't real, feels like he's going to wake up any second now because Aaron can't be in front of him holding a crow bar, pointing it at him like he means to use it, like he _wants_ to.

Aaron's eyes harden, he finds strength somewhere and he's just staring at Robert, gripping the weapon tighter and shuddering. "Not a gun this time eh?" He spits, there's hatred in his tone, it's meant to be there, it's meant to show Robert that he is serious, _deadly_ serious.

Robert gulps, removes his hands from his pockets and straightens his back a little because he can see how much this means to Aaron and he doesn't know what he can do. "You gonna use that?" He says, points at the weapon in Aaron's quivering hands.

Aaron looks down at it, it's gleaming, the moon is shining down almost directly on it and he tries to stop his hands from shaking. "Yeah." He says bluntly, looks up towards Robert and then steps closer. "I am."

Robert feels something shatter in him a little and he looks around, no ones within sight. "Go on then," he whispers, then looks up towards Aaron and meets his eye. "Now is your chance, pay me back for everything I've done to ya, go on."

Aaron can't breathe suddenly, he's not expecting this, doesn't know why Robert's looking almost desperate for it to happen when he should be saying sorry, he should he apologising and trying to think of a way out of it all. "You don't tell me what to do." He spits, then frowns as Robert looks towards the ground, almost hopelessly. "Funny how you're not begging yet." He says, steps closer and watches as Robert shrugs his shoulders.

"Begging for what?" Robert tries to keep his voice controlled but he can't, it's like he's coming undone and there's just not any _point_ to it all. "For you to turn around, or drop the bar, or - or come here and fucking kiss me -" it's like he's just punched himself in the gut and he dares to imagine, he keeps daring and then shaking his head about the whole thing because Aaron _hates_ him, Aaron wants him _dead_ , he doesn't want to be anywhere near him.

Aaron can't hear that, feels sick, feels like it's all too much suddenly and he raises the bar a little, hears Robert gasp and stop himself from speaking. "Just shut up." He barks, then there's tears, of course there's tears. He feels them pouring out of his eyes, feels them crash down his face as he tries to hold it together, as he tries to keep the thoughts of him and Robert kissing out of his messed up mind. 

Robert nods shakily, the crow bar suddenly a scary thing, and Aaron even more scarier than ever before. He's scared, he's actually  _scared_ that he's going to break something inside of Aaron and then Aaron's going to break him back. Maybe it's already happened, maybe _this_ is Aaron, this is the broken man who's going to hurt Robert back just as badly, worse, he's going to physically destroy him just like Robert mentally destroyed Aaron. 

Karma. It's _Karma_.

"That's why I'm here." Aaron shakes his head, draws his weapon and then it falls back towards his side again, "You can't say that, can't fucking - try and get inside my 'ead like that. It's not _fair_." He spits, feels like he's going to just break down any second as Robert stares at him, he looks sorry, he looks like he's going to start _crying_. "You don't get to say that, you don't get to -" 

"I'm sorry."

It's almost too heavy, the air can't seem to hold it and it falls towards the ground between them.

It makes Aaron's face twitch, it's coming from Robert's mouth but it sounds alien.

"You're _sorry_?" Aaron scoffs, the tears keep pouring though because it's beginning to _mean_ something and it can't, it can't mean anything to him.

Robert nods his head and then he gulps, kicks a rock nearby out of frustration. "You'll never know how much I am." His heart just drops, it just _drops_ because it's the truth, there's not a thing he can say to change Aaron's mind about him. He'll never know about those nights without him, how he used to try his hardest not to cry, how Vic's room was lonely without him to hold close. He'd never know.

Aaron has to look away, when he looks back his face has hardened and he shakes his head. "Yeah?" He whispers, steps closer. "Well you'll never know how much I _hate_ ya. Never." It's meant to hurt, meant to make Robert cringe his face up like he does when he's trying his hardest not to cry or react at all really. It has the desired effect entirely.

Robert's frozen on the spot, looks at this man in front of him and recognises what he's _done_ to him, what he's caused Aaron to become. He was soft once, he was almost quirky, he'd tell him naff jokes as they relaxed in a stinky barn surrounded by hay, he was _good_. He'd never have done this, never have wanted to hurt anyone this badly before Robert came along, before he fucked him up just like he fucked Chrissie up too.

"I think I know." Robert darkens, "I see it in your eyes most." He forces out, heart hammering as he tries not to let himself become lost in this almost  _grief_ for the way Aaron used to look at him. "You never looked at me like that before -"

"Before you killed Katie, before you knocked me out and nearly shot me? Before you drove your own brother _insane_? Before you said I wasn't the only one, a basket case, _tapped_?" Aaron's reckless with his words, doesn't care if any one hears them anymore. He just wants to see that pain in Robert's eyes, he wants to see him _hurting_.

Robert has to look down and then Aaron's clenching his jaw, gripping the bar tighter and shaking his head. "I never meant any of that -"

"You broke me." Aaron confirms it, he says it and Robert feels himself almost falling back, almost like he can't physically or mentally stand it at all. "You ruined what I thought I had, what I thought we -" he hitches his breath, he's crying even more now and he can see how pale Robert's become, he looks ill. "And you laughed your head off doing it didn't ya? Poor messed up Aaron eh? Fuck, he _must_ be tapped."

Robert hears his voice, it's in his mind, again and again and he wants to shut it off but he can't. He can't erase the past, he can't run up to Aaron and hold him close and beg for him to forget it because he didn't _mean_ any of it. He can't do anything but stand there and _take_ it, see who he has built up and watch him destroy the both of them.

"Didn't mean any of that." Robert finally says, sees that Aaron's just gripping the bar tighter. "I wanted to hurt ya, make sure you really hated me so that I _had_ to stay away."

Aaron frowns and then looks at where they're standing. "Yet you were staring up at my window?" He shakes his head, "You can't _help_ but want to fuck me over can ya?" He barks, feels it racing through his vain, he hates him, he _hates_ him. 

"No I can't help but fucking love ya Aaron!"

He says it before his mind registers, it falls out of his mouth and he wants to dissolve into nothing.

He doesn't want Aaron knowing about that, he can't know because it would only kill him. It would only work to destroy Aaron that little bit more. He knows that, it doesn't take a genius to see the damage done just by looking at Aaron's face as he stares at him and then quickly pulls away.

"Love?" Aaron blurts it out and then feels everything suddenly ache inside him. He feels sick, feels like he needs to lay down because he'll probably faint if he doesn't. It's on repeat in his mind, Robert telling him that he loves - that he can't _help_ but love him.

For a second, just a _second_ he's closing his eyes and he's thinking about how it would feel like if it was actually _true_. He'd do something daft like fall into Robert's arms and kiss him and make him say it again, like before, he'd make him say it again and again and he'd kiss him and -

He can't get carried away in that world of his, the world where Robert loves him and he's enough and they are _happy_. He looks down at the crow bar in his right hand, up at the night sky and then centres his attention back on the man standing right in front of him.

"You're a liar." Aaron says, slowly and certain of his words. He was nearly fooled by that, _nearly_. But he's stronger now, he's not going to be swept off his feet by blond hair and green eyes and that stupid smile. He won't let himself have be sucked in again, he won't ever let Robert do that again. 

Robert scoffs, actually scoffs and then shakes his head. "You're right." He says, bites down hard on his tongue but says what he's thinking anyway. "Can't seem to lie about you though can I?" He says, almost like he's angry and resentful. 

Aaron frowns. "Course you can. You always do, you've _lied_ about me for _months_." He doesn't like this game, the one where Robert falsely appears open and honest when really he's just lying through his teeth.

Robert drops his head and then when he raises it again he's crying. "Yeah to everyone else, not to _myself_ though. Couldn't deny ya, couldn't deny _you_ to myself."

It's taken a turn that Aaron didn't want to go down, he stands there, chest heaving up and down as he sees how destroyed Robert seems. It's like someone has kidnapped the bloke who was so _vile_ to him only a few hours ago. He wants him back, he wants to hurt _him._  

"That's why I said all those things today." Robert tries to explain, feels his heart blackening just at the memory of it all, what he said, what he didn't  _mean_. "Wanted to punish myself, wanted to see that look on your face, see that _hate_ and know it was over."

He wants the look back, but Aaron's crying instead, he's not angry like he was when Robert first turned around.

Aaron blows out a breath, "It _is_ over." He says, raises the crow bar until it's almost near his ear, one strike and he'll fall to the ground, one strike and this stupid tingle between them would seize to exist. _Forever_.

One strike.

"Just do it." Robert says, wants this feeling inside to end, wants to feel like he can shut his eyes without seeing faces and memories and all his mistakes.

He wants to shut his eyes and stop seeing Aaron crying, he wants that most of all.

Aaron's hands are shaking, thoughts exploding and dying and there's certain things on repeat.

There's Robert saying he loves him and can't watch him suffer.

There's soft sheets and waking up next to him in bed day after day at Home Farm.

There's bounds of hay and conversations for longer than they should have ever entertained.

There's everything.

Robert shut his eyes, waits for the blow, _wants_ the blow but then he's hearing something clatter on the floor.

He's opening his eyes and seeing Aaron standing there, head in hands, breathing harsh and slow and -

The crow bar lies between them.

Robert wants to hug him, he wants to wrap his arms around Aaron's body and kiss him and say it's going to be fine. He wants to say that he doesn't hate him, that he loves him, that they love each other and it's fucked up in so many ways because they hurt each other so much but -

They love each other.

They do, he knows that Aaron's the sort of person who won't ever stop loving once he does.

But he also knows that Aaron hates him, has more than enough reason to after everything Robert had said and done.

Aaron blinks back more tears and looks at the floor. "Just because I couldn't do it doesn't mean -" he shakes all over, knows _exactly_ what it means.

Robert does too, that's why his face darkens and he looks almost tortured. "Doesn't mean you don't want me dead." He says, it's cold and almost distant and he wants it to remain that way. He wants to be far removed from everything and anything to do with Aaron suddenly because the thought of Aaron, _his_ Aaron wanting him to _die_ is too heartbreaking to bare.

Aaron's unashamed, he can't push past the way his heart aches and the way he feels like it's still the only way out of this all. Robert dead, Robert _gone_. "Yeah." He forces it out, feels the wind pick up around him and then he's looking at Robert's face and wondering why it hurts so much inside.

He's wondering why the way Robert looks heartbroken even _matters_ anymore.

Robert has a hand over his face suddenly like he cannot bare to even look at Aaron. "You really hate me _that_ much?" He shivers, feels sick. "To want me _dead_ yeah?"

Aaron can't look at him, that strength is gone, it's completely _gone_. He can't speak either, just _can't_.

"Say it. Say you want me dead. I want to hear it -" Robert wants to punish himself, wants to feel that crushing pain hit him as Aaron tells him. But Aaron's staying silent as if he can't either own up to it and Robert wants to call him a coward. "You can't can ya?"

Aaron shuffles, head looking down at the crow bar in front of them both.

"Is it because of how much you love me?" Robert gulps, knows he's daring to go that far and see how Aaron's going to react to hearing it all. He sees the way Aaron looks up at him, he sees the way he looks like he's in pain and that someone's ripped out his heart. "It's more than how much you hate me isn't it? It always will be."

A wave of something washes over Aaron and he almost feels like somehow Robert has been able to look inside his heart and hold it in his hand with a smile on his face. He's managed to do the unthinkable and it's too much to even bare.

How dare he think like that? He dare he be that confident after everything he's done?

_'I'd still have him back in a shot.'_

He's right though. Robert's right.

Aaron knows he'll love him more than he'll ever even try to hate him.

Something dies inside Aaron as he starts to turn around, knows that this is it, that Robert's taken the last thing he ever held onto. He knows all of him. He'll always _have_ all of him.

"Aaron wait -" Robert says hastily, has a hand on Aaron's shoulder as he spins him round. "You - you want me to go? I'll go. I'll go and never ever come back."

Aaron's eyes widen and then he feels Robert's breath near him and it makes his legs turn to jelly. "Just like that?" He whispers, knows it's too good to be true.

Robert nods. "Look what I've _done_ to ya." He shakes out, still too close to Aaron, still close enough to kiss him if he wanted to. "I'll go, I'll leave." He bows his head and then raises it. "Just tell me you don't love me though."

Aaron winces, he can't do that, well he can, he can lie but Robert will see through it won't he? Robert knows him too well to not be able to know he's lying.

"Go." Aaron says, voice almost hoarse as he tries to speak. "Just go." He can't say anything else.

Robert's chin begins to wobble. "Tell me you don't love me and I will. I'll go."

Aaron's shaking his head, angry now. "This is what you do innit? Make me feel like _this_. Make me feel -" he wants to scream, tries to calm himself down and then points at his temple. "Can't leave _this_ alone can ya?"

Robert hears all that, feels awful but only cares about the fact that Aaron can't deny his love. He can't. He shouldn't feel butterflies by that but he does, he _does_. 

"Aaron -" he steps forward, a shaky hand coming up and trying to hold onto Aaron.

Aaron feels himself breaking and suddenly he's pushing Robert away, watching him stagger.

"You could drop _dead_ and I wouldn't care!" Aaron spits, yeah he can lie about that. "That's how much I _love_ ya." He mocks, feels himself break and sees the pain on Robert's face before he's attempting to hold on and then staggering again and then he's saying the worst thing in the world -

"I _still_ love ya -"

Before.

There's a shot. There's this mind aching, soul destroying shot and Robert's on the floor.

Aaron blinks once, then twice, then again and - he's still there, he's still not moving at all.

"Rob?" It's the faintest whisper possible but he can't say anything else.

He's laying there, there's blood near his chest and it keeps pouring out and all Aaron can do is stand over him, feel like someone's ripped out a part of him or something because it _aches_.

He's on his knees, shaking as he sobs, as he tries to lean towards Robert and lift his head, then he decides against it because it might hurt Robert, it might hurt him and _God_ he doesn't want to hurt him now.

"Robert," he feels sick, "Robert, mate open your eyes for me." He wants to see his eyes, he wants to see him awake, he wants and wants but Robert doesn't seem to oblige as he lays flat on the floor. 

There's the sound of feet rushing towards them but Aaron just leans closer, just looks down and cries and says -

"Didn't want this, no I didn't - didn't want ya to die, I didn't mean what I said. Don't - do that, _please_ don't leave it like this." He keeps the sentence, missing words, adding them, trying to see if Robert will open his eyes and respond. 

There's Doug's voice close to him, then Kerry's and then Dan is telling him to put pressure on the wound and he hesitates because he's _scared_ he'll do something wrong and hurt Robert and make it _worse_ -

He's doing it, he's helping him despite everything, despite the fact that he could have nearly killed him himself minutes ago. He wouldn't have done it but he had convinced himself seeing Robert like _this_ was a good idea. It's not, it's awful.

"C'mon Rob," he shudders, face pressed closer as he keeps crying. "Don't make me say it." He doesn't want to, doesn't want to say goodbye, doesn't want to say that he -

"Love ya. I - _I still love you_ , you idiot."

It's like something opens inside him, like love just has to pour out and he knows that he'll regret it later but -

Robert's eyes are fluttering open and he's squeezing the hand that Aaron had placed in his and Aaron can't think about regretting anything now, Robert's looking at him, Robert's not dying on him yet and it's a relief he doesn't know what to do with just yet.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> soz for causing any pain
> 
> come find me on tumblr if you want: littlelooneyluna


End file.
